in light of our movie excursion...

here is an interesting view/synopsis of "catfish" from that site joe daly writes for... :)

catfish

Dec. 14 - Spacewolf and III/IV

I get why they chose today now.



III/IV - I'm going to the record store after work to get it.

last conference

so, last night i had my last conference for class and stuff and we talked very little about progress and stuff and AGAIN she said "you already have your grade for the class" and we just talked about if there were any new techniques i wanted to use in the last paper (which i'm FREAKING OUT about) because i, inadvertently, used a new technique in the last paper - the transition paragraph. i didn't really know what i was doing i just stuck it in there to see what would happen and it sounded ok and not out of place, you know? she loved it. and she made me read it aloud. again.
she also invited me to her "writer's group" thing again and i kind of want to do it to see what it's like. and i like her reasoning for her wanting me to do it - i do see that it's because she sees a writer in me, even though i still don't see it in me.
finally, my last paper is freaking me out. a lot. because i think my topic might be too broad and not argumentative enough. but i'm VERY quickly approaching the point of no return with regards to choosing a new one. she said she's interested to see how i take on a more academic tone to my writing. hell, i am too yo!

this is scary!

so

how was work the first day back? any new on the raise? anyone try and steal your person? do you still love driving in your car?

cheese. and. rice.

my brain will not wake up this morning.

i just went and got a tea drink. i stepped into the elevator to come back up and, instead of hitting the button for my floor, i hit the button for the lobby (where i already was).

3 times.

i dunno

if you were thinking of going to the SF MTE show on saturday - i know it's a drive and such - but the dude they're opening for, john wesley harding, is AWESOME and totally worth the drive.
he has a song called "starbucks" about gentrification and the chorus is "there's a starbucks where the starbucks used to be". he prefaces the song with a silly story about subscribing to "american gentrifier" magazine. he's so funny and his songs are funny and beautiful. he's also an author (like novels! FICTION novels! har.) and it really shows in some of his lyrics. i can't wait to read some of his stuff.

just an idea. i'm sure you'll be mega-busy getting ready and what not, but, in-case you aren't... :)

yay

1 week from today I will be on the road!

halcyon days

for the new processor are over. she got shafted on a file by the dragon lady this pay-period and is starting to get grumpy pants. those days lasted a lot longer than i thought they would. :)

ps - i like kissing on saturday. i want to do it again.

oh yes

I have missed my boyfriends so much it hurts.

dude.

decemberists dude? i didn't just get tax returns. i got the tax returns since the INCEPTION OF THE BAND.
i have paystubs for royalty payments and advertising payments and television show usage. i have EVERYTHING.

this is going to be nuts. i don't even know what i'm looking for!

you should do this!

win a camera!

you'd rock out with your lens out! :)

Maybe Bad News

So the girl that is going to help me lead this project and shares responsibility for our new minion...she just got engaged...and her fiance just bought her tickets to Italy for the week of Thanksgiving and so she gets the time off and mine is now "we'll have to see how things are going" for me to get that Tuesday and Wednesday off, because I have to oversee the project and our new rockstar. I don't see it as a problem for both of us to be gone, but I don't have a yes yet. We're meeting on Wednesday to talk about the month, so think good thoughts. I was happy for her, but very bummed. :(

It's got to be awesome and special

Mike really blew me out of the water when he bought my bike for my birthday, after taking me away for an amazing weekend for my Christmas present last year. This year my Christmas present is the very expensive plane ticket to New Jersey and 10 days with his family. I have got to step up and get him something better in the present department than I have delivered this past year. I was so nervous last Christmas, and for his birthday I was super lame for no reason, (well, I had just spent 3 months buying him stuff weekly for the new house, so there was nothing left) and so I really want to do something neat and special for him, and I realize now that I have like a month to shop. Crap. Suggestions on neat, unique and awesome things welcome.

here's my interesting situation

so, one of the things that i worked on with carlos in new mexico was telling people that they were being assholes WHEN they're being assholes and not holding on to it. i had to put that into practice on my birthday when carlos was a major asshole to me - and he was doing it on purpose. it was a pretty fantastic day, let me tell you.

now i'm in a situation where i'm being tested. by someone who is not nearly as open to the feelings of others as carlos is. as a matter of fact, i would say he's the opposite of carlos in that aspect. but i KNOW in my gut that this is a person that i'm suppoed to test this on - supposed to start telling him he's being an asshole at the time of the shitty behavior rather than later on when i've had time to edit myself.
unfortunately, this person is someone i work with. and he's the most tightly wound person i've EVER MET. seriously. and everyone in the office knows it and everyone in the office knows he's a douche. he shits all over me, everyday. he treats me with the utmost disrespect and the other processor that's sitting here seeing it - she's like "i would have killed him by now". my need to lay into him is boiling at the surface. but when i get riled up, my tact filter goes away and i let it all out in a non-constructive way and, while i know that saying something isn't going to change how i'm treated, i know that saying everything i want to say in the way that will make me feel better is a great way to get me fired.

it feels fruitless to say anything, but it feels shitty to get treated as horribly as i do by him. it feels even worse that i know that he does it to make himself feel better. it's like an even bigger "fuck you". i know that a calm, rational outline and/or conversation about said shitty behavior won't work because it feels like we've tried that before.

i'm at a loss as to what to do.

it doesn't help that he's acting as bipolar as a cokehead. and that his voice is more nasaly than fran drescher's.

YOU

are amazingly awesome lady! how... wha... GAH!

:)

did steve say thank you?

2 songs

That was ridiculously hard, so I went with Steve's Spirit Hands and Ryan's Let It Ride. I totally forgot about it and had to browse archive.org and fizzkicks to get what I needed. Oops. I hope the team likes. :)

stupid question of the day

is the ipad the only "reading device" thing with which i'd be able to read blogs? or can the kindle or those other reading device things go online so that i can read blogs as well?

i don't know a lot about all that because it's not really my bag to have stuff like that, but i'm getting to a point where there is so much stuff i SHOULD be reading... i don't feel like i spend enough time in front of my computer to get it all done. or i don't WANT to spend that much time in front of a computer.

holy crap

I dreamed I had a baby, but I couldn't remember having the baby or being pregnant, it was just all of a sudden there and I had to breast feed it, and we had no crib or supplies and was calling everyone asking for advice and balancing it in the back seat with no car seat. It was so crazy real that I woke up with this weird different mom feeling. I'm pretty sure I know why I had the dream, but it freaked me the fuck out.

Oh...AND...My Table of Contents is SIX PAGES now. I'd rather be writing porn. I feel like this is why I changed from a politics major to a sociology major - I hate writing lengthy documents that ramble and people scan anyway. No one is going to read this whole thing, I bet you.

more insight on the bar...

i had my conference with the teacher tonight. and i totally understand why i'm doing as well as i am.
she has pretty low expectations of what the students are going to bring to the class. so, the fact that i have broad, general and, most times, correct ideas about grammar and punctuation is an added bonus for her. the fact that i can construct a vivid picture with my writing is a BIG plus for her.

she, in no uncertain terms, alluded to the fact that she already knows she's going to give me an A in the class. i'm not sure how i feel about that.
but she DID give me a hook for the time-frame portion of the next essay due so i can be in compliance with the full assignment. YAY!
i consider the conference a draw.

OH, and i did a lot better on my sri thing than i thought i would. but, again, that was put into perspective tonight. :)

let me explain to you the fright about the bar

ok, so, this essay i got back last night? that i was asked to read in front of the class? i got 98 out of 100 points on it. the ONLY thing she dinged me on was my slight overuse of the "dramatic" dash. as in, punctuation.
the reason this worries me is because this essay is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than the remaining essays we have to write for the class. this essay was a narrative, we're telling a story. we're allowed to use casual, conversational language. i can totally write like that!

the remaining essays? they're academic essays. compare and contrast. if/then. define a word - essay #3 is an essay on ONE WORD. identifiable theses and topic sentences, intro and conclusion paragraphs. explanation within a structure is HARD for me. and now i have to meet or exceed this bar of perfection that i set on myself, jsut keeping an eye on my dashes?!? what??

tired...

i was up until 1:30am writng a paper for class and it's shit. i'm sure it doesn't help that i was going through notes on another essay i was writing about until 10pm, when i realized that i can't make any sense of my notes and that i needed to choose a whole new essay to analyze. this isn't looking hopeful.

on the other hand, i'm getting my first essay back tonight and i think the teacher is gonna dig it. i'm interested to see her feedback on it.

i know

you all think i'm silly and nutso about this "i'm going to be a nun" thing, but, can i tell you? i cried my eyes out on thursday and friday. i cried so much and so hard because of my own stupidity that i think i pulled a muscle in my neck trying to keep it from coming out. on friday, i was a total shell of a person. for the first time ever i was most definitely there "physically, but not mentally".

but then, i went down the street and got all that whiskey - and not because that's the way i deal with these things, if it were, i would gone to the liquor store and bought a bottle or 3 - but something compelled me to do it. without thinking i got $20 cash back from my target trip, dropped the purchases off at my house and turned around and walked right out the door to the bar knowing that i was going to ask for 3 shots of whiskey, down them and leave. it's like i wasn't in control of my body.

when i got home i watched a movie and went to bed. i said what i call my "goodnights" when i went to bed - it's basically just me saying thank you for the day and trying to be consiously grateful to be alive and having survived the day. and, for whatever reason, the words "i'm going to give you my heart to take care of because i keep on fucking up and just can't stand it anymore" came out, not really toward anyone or anything but wholly, fully and truthfully meaning it to whatever was listening.

and saturday, i woke up done. i woke up in the best mood, super light of heart - it didn't hurt anymore - not thinking about anything that went down. and it lasted ALL DAY. and the same thing happened on sunday. and this morning (even though i got -0- sleep and i'm cranky because of that).
i'm seriously amazed. i'm not going to get a religious on people or anything. it's not like i'm going to get religious on myself either. it's just the most succinct way i can phrase what happened?

the cherry on top

you know what just made this WHOLE WEEK that much more awesome?!

i just heard that the dragon lady gave the new processor bonuses for the files i closed out for her last month.

that woman has screwed me out of $1000 in bonuses. what a fucking shitstain.

i want to cry

i did something totally stupid that i don't even want to talk about and it fell through (AGAIN). and i want to cry because i'm mad at myself for getting excited about it happening when nothing in the past indicated that it would happen.
as a matter of fact, all historical evidence indicated that it WOULDN'T happen. and yet, i still tried.

christ. sometimes i'm so fucking lame.

oy.

My job is so freaking hard right now. I just wanna crawl in bed and shut down. This isn't anything I can go read a book and figure out how to do it either - and that's mind boggling for me. Ugh.

so

do you still have that lovin' feeling? how was the drive back?

am i picky? or closed? or shitty? or just want something a little less "modern"?

so, this video store dude. he seems nice and all, but within the first 5 minutes of TEXTING it was about sex. this makes me think he doesn't have anything else to talk* about. and then, subsequent TEXTS (why he can't push the "call" button on the phone and talk to me, i don't know) are just in the "what are you wearing" vein and i'm so over it already.
i saw this guy for maybe 5 minutes, at the video store, and since he was impressed with my movie choice of "dead snow" (fantastic zombie movie) and my ability to speak articulate and coherent sentences about something he likes (mainly because i was around people i'm not attracted to) he just latched on.
from what i remember, i KNOW he's shorter than me. kind of significantly. he's covered in tattoos almost in the way that people cover themselves in tattoos just to show others that they're covered in tattoos and are, therefore, "badass". he's got 2 kids. and he can't find anything else to talk* about except sex. he couldn't (maybe wouldn't?) even expand on movies and his favorite ones or favorite genres or anything like that.

people say i need to "open up" and let people in and what not, but accepting this, settling for this for even a small amount of time is not what they mean, right?

* - texting is NOT talking

did i mention

that i went to the video store tonight and set up a new account and the guy from the store has been texting with me all night because he got my number off the application?

that's weird, right?

Google Says 12 hours.

694 miles Me to You.

tell me about it stud...

tell me about the cars that you drove! what you like, what you don't like, what things are swaying your decisions, why you test drove the ones you did, what your thoughts in general are.

i'm curious - it's not often people get to go car shopping. :)

unbelievable

i can't believe how little work the other processors do here at this company. i just took over an LO from another processor and am looking at her files ad re-stacking so I knwo where everything is and:
1. THE FILES ARE A FREAKIN' MESS. seriously. i have no idea how this girl, or anyone, would be able to find anything in there.
2. they don't do ANYTHING in the system that we're supposed to use. what's the point of having a system if you don't use it?
3. they don't do anything for the underwiters. like calculating income (EASY) or putting correct taxes and insurance in the file (EARIER) or putting a correct payoff amoutn in the system (EASIEST!).

cheese and rice mary! now i know why the UWs like me as a processor. :)

man...

i got the best neighbor ever. he's so sweet and takes good care of me. he came by tonight and saw i have NOTHING on my walls and was all "gurrl, you gotta get something up on those walls." i told him that i just didn't have anything to put up. he's like "i have 3 pics that i was going to trash anyway, do you want them?" and they're not bad (not incredible) posters with AWESOME frames...
you'll love him. he's awesomely queenie and a caretaker. :) jerbear.

education?

i like this. i think you will too. it seems right up your alley. :)

none.

There is zero discipline in this day. The only thing keeping me here is the air conditioning.

pandora

the replacements station on pandora is... curious. hm.

ps - i hate how small the playlists are for the stations. i think it's 1.5 hours worth of music then it starts repeating. LAME!

this made me chuckle

i'm finding

that i don't like to be spoken to in the mornings because i don't like to have to form words. i communicate in a series of grunts and groans.

people say "don't talk to me until i've had my coffee" - i say "don't talk to me until i've listened to some music."

weird?

i'm pretty sure

you would love this.

you were the first person i thought of when i saw it.

i hate being hormonal

If I make it through this week without physically harming someone, it's going to be a miracle. It's taking serious deep breathing exercises to not unleash my wrath. Why can't people not suck?

idea.

Okay, I totally thought of what I'm going to do to his house some time. A CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE STORY. He did the treasure hunt for my first birthday with him, with clues and stuff at his old house. I think I want to do an adventure where he makes choices and there are dead and different ends and he has to go back sometimes or do naughty things...what do you think?

interesting situation

ok, so i have this... situation:

let me preface this with, i LOVE our fvv. he's awesome, but i don't think i could live with him for an extended period of time, mainly because i can't live with anyone for an extended period of time.

he's been having a trouble finding a permanent place to live that he jives well with and that's easy on his pocketbook, so he's been couch-surfing for the past month or so, somedays at my place and somedays at his sister's place and somedays (when he doesn't have work) he'll go down to eugene to visit.
he has also gotten a totally sweet offer to go to yoga teacher training (someone is paying for the costs for him to go. what?! that's 10 grand!) in the spring.
i have a feeling that he's going to try couch surfing until the training in april (?!) because he likes the money he's saving by not having to pay rent.
that's all well and good and what not, but i CANNOT have him staying with me off and on until then. i would kill him. for many reasons, one of which is that he can't make a decision and stick with it. the other is that i NEED my space. and when he comes here to surf, it's not like he's just bringing in a backpack with a change of clothes and a pillow, he's bringing in 4 suitcases and a guitar, so i essentially have no living room when he's here. and it's not like i have a 4 bedroom house where he would be in the living room and i wouldn't have to see him ever. i have a TINY 1 (ish) bedroom place. you'll see it and you'll understand why i couldn't have another person living here even if we were fucking and sharing a bed.

now, i am totally thankful for what he did for me when i got here and for helping me out the way that he did and for him introducing me to his sister who helped me out way more than he did, but (and i hate to think about it this way, but...) i need to know where or when that obligation is fulfilled because if i don't draw that line, he will, unintentionally, take advantage of it and i will start to resent him because i won't know how to articulate that i feel like he's taking advantage without seeming hurtful.

if i had all the room in the world, he could stay as long as he wanted because we wouldn't have to cross paths. but i don't - i have a 450 sqft. apartment that could be considered too small for even one person if i had a "normal" amount of stuff. i have to tiptoe around when i wake up in the morning and do my morning stuff because i worry that i'm going to wake him and that makes me grumpy because it's MY FUCKING HOUSE and i shouldn't feel like i have to tiptoe! :)

and all of this comes out because he just sent an email again tonight asking if he could surf tomorrow for an indeterminate amount of time.

i said yes, but i don't know what to do or how to draw the line. what do i say? "you only have 4 more days of surfing for the rest of the year before i start saying no."?

i think i've got it

the wheat-free, gluten-free cookie recipe that is...

2/3 c. oat flour
1/2 c. wheat-free, gluten-free flour mix (like this one)
a little less than 1/4 tsp baking soda
1/8 tsp salt
1/4 tsp stevia powder
4 tbsp almond oil
2 tbsp water
1 heaping tbsp brown rice syrup
2 beaten egg yolks
1 large handful of barley sweetened chocolate chips

mix all together, refrigerate for 1 hour, bake at 350 for 12-14 minutes.

YUM.

awww...

the dragon lady is being extra super whorish this week because she knows its our last week together.
from THROWING (not kidding) files on my desk, to snide back-handed comments about "well, you're not going to be busy for too much longer" (because i'm ONLY busy with HER files), to daggers galore coming out of her eyes at me, to blaming me for any little thing she can and not paying me on her files, she's truly making our last week working together a great pleasure.

i know she's being extra mean because she's gonna miss me and she's trying to make it so i don't miss her. i'm used to that, my daddy did it before he would go out on the boat!

HAHAHAHHAAHAHA!!!

*sigh* i would like it to be monday now.

Cannonball Days

Okay, I know I must have heard this song years ago, because Gold was the first album I had of his...but I rediscovered it recently on Pandora, and I am so in love with it...I can't say why.

so....

didja watch it? i won't start talking about it until i know you have. :)

gonna do this now before i forget...

no talking about true blood until monday night after 8pm at the earliest! that's when i'll have watched it and i'll know what you're talking about. :)

do you ever have one of those days...

It has been at least a 24 hour period of continuous kicks to the gut. I am trying with all my might to try and be a big girl and an adult and keep it all together and not internalize any of these things, because none of them really has anything directly to do with me at all, but holy shit things have really blown for the last day or so. When is this mercury bullshit over? Sunday? Thank fucking god.

This week's inspiration challenge is "funny"

What would you present to a room full of people as funny and yet inspirational? (Not what I should present, but what you would present if you worked with us.)

Okay, I don't get web rankings AT ALL

Our blog - yes, this one - according to Alexa is ranked better than Steve's website almost. It's a close back and forth - we're only like 100k behind him - but last month, he was like 200k over that. Also, this blog - yes, this one - is ranked better than my photo blog that I have had for years - BY LIKE 2 MILLION PLACES. So I'm about to switch my crap over to WordPress and pay for a better chance at traffic and see if that changes anyway. But wow - I wonder if strangers read us and stuff. :) It's probably just the fact you and I visit it from different places, but weird.

dilemma

so, there's this company boat cruise on friday. we all get out of here at 11am and the cruise is from 12-3. right now, the weather is SHIT. i've rsvp'd just in case it was one of those things where, if you didn't go, you had to work, and, well, that's not the case. so now i'm wondering if i should go.
there are only a couple of people i like here, there is going to be a TON of food i can't/shouldn't eat, there are going to be people i don't like getting drunk and being even douchier and, right now, only 3 hours with these people on friday is sounding a lot more awesome than this cruise.

suggestions?

baking question

ok, so the cookies turned out... uhm, gluten, dairy and wheat-free tasting. really, the 2 problems i'm finding right now are lack of sweetness - for which i think i have a cure - and dryness, which i have no idea how to cure.

any suggestions?

the dragon lady

so, today the dragon lady at work HAD to ask me for a favor - she had no other choice - and she was a total cunt while asking me to do it and everything. and like an asshole, i helped without giving her shit about it (it would have been so easy for me to say "oh, i don't know, i'm spending a lot of time NOT CARING about my other files right now, i don't think i'll get to that today").
when i did everything i could and got it where it needed to go, i got a "thank you very much" and she had SO MUCH PAIN in her face when she said those 4 simple words and she was fumbling with her phone and didn't even look me in the face when she said it. she looked like she was pushing a large watermlon out of her body, the pain on her face.

i don't know if i should laugh or cry. but i most defnitely do not feel like working for the last 30 minutes of the day. i totally want to punch her in the cooter though.

Images

Uhm - Henry Miller? Dude, she's naked and he's playing ping pong with her.

This old one of Ian McKellan is also awesome

Hello Walken! Rawr!

is this weird?

so, i just noticed at work - well, i just put 2 and 2 together - that when other processors are out of town or something, the manager spreads all their loan officers around to the other processors to cover while they are out.
they don't do that with my loan officers. either the manager takes them or the compliance officer (who was the first processor for the company), but they don't get spread out over the other processors.

this is weird, right? this shows that no one else wants to deal with the shit i have to deal with, right? HA!

aholes.

I need your help.

I want to do something fun or neat or romantic or pranky to Mike's house for when he comes home Monday afternoon. I pick him up at the airport at 2 on Monday, but think I am going over there Sunday so I don't have to deal with holiday traffic on the hill Monday, just the rest of the bay area holiday traffic. I am going to bake him some cookies, but I want to do something else big and fun to his place.

Something like this stuff.

yeah my boyfriend needs to come home

Last night, in a fit of...desperation? I found myself with a DVR list that contained the Showtime "adult" movie - "The Devil Wears Nada". Oh yeah. I only watched 5 minutes, but wow, yeah, I'm ready for my man back if this is what I'm doing to fill in the blanks. It was super duper special in it's badness. I forgot that sometimes they try and put plots with the naked and it gets ri-donk-ulous. Yeah, I'll just stick with the get to the action variety of things. Eek.

ah santa cruz

Last night I was walking out of the gym and going to get Mexican food when this amazing 7 foot tall blonde woman walking hand in hand with this guy passed in front of me. I thought, damn, that guy is taller than me and she's super duper tall and wearing heels! I think, this reminds me of Shannon and her tallness. I walk a little faster than her and him, when I hear them talking. Yeah, I'm pretty sure she was a dude, at least at some point or in some form. That would explain the super tallness a bit more naturally. :) I didn't get a good look or anything, but she was pretty hot, and the guy was pretty normal and good looking himself. My town amuses me for these things being so normal.

and finally...

this retrograde is starting to piss me off. seriously.

i refuse to live with another 15 days of it.

THIS

is where you need to get married

elvis

sometimes i just want to rampage

you know what's super shitty? my manager pulled me in to her officer today and said that my 2 bitchiest loan officers are now saying that i DON'T CARE about their files. it took everything i had not to break down in a fit of cuss words and tears when she said that - because she doesn't deserve that - she's the sweetest, doe-eyed-est mommy of a girl ever!
now, my loan officers totally deserve it. how can i come in on weekends and work 9 hours on saturdays if i didn't care about their files?? how come they can be snotty and bitchy to me and i can't give it back to them? how is that even remotely fair?

i need to get out of this fast. so freakin' fast. because it's not going to get better.

true blood.

I'm so not happy. I don't even want to talk about it. I am not okay with the end of today's episode. Not okay with it at all.

*sigh* Lame.

food stuffs

i saw this recipe and thought you'd be able to KILL it.

and i think with her modifications, it can work as vegan food too. :)

the recipe is at the bottom:

http://www.dietdessertndogs.com/2010/08/27/zucchini-pie-yeast-free-and-anti-candida-friendly/

ps

i totally think you should come up here for thanksgiving.

weird question for the day

how do you stop yourself during the day to write down ideas? even just bullet point ideas?
i'm finding this to be the hardest thing to bring into a routine of some sort and i don't know why. i've never been a day planner kind of person, everything just kind of sticks in my head. but i know that all of these fleeting ideas that i have aren't always going to stick and i WANT to write them down, i just don't do it.

i have the notebook and everything, just waiting to be used.

Jesus is on Psych!

Well, Lafayette's Jesus. He plays a crazy criminal guy. It's funny.
I like his eyes, they are pretty.

Do you get a weekend this weekend end of the month girl or are you working like a mad woman through next week? Any 3 day weekend plans?

Have you heard of this girl?

carzen.com

This site says my top 15 cars are:
Hyundai Sonata
Volkwagen Jetta
Nissan Altima
Subaru Impreza Sedan
Subaru Legacy
Honda Civic Sedan
Hyundai Elantra
Mazda 6
Kia Forte
Mazda 3
Nissan Versa
Kia Optima
Toyota Corolla
Suzuki SX4 SE
Mitsubishi Lancer


What model is your Subie?

apparently, if you douche, you can get a raise

Serious example of when advertising should not play helpful.

my favorite things

about the dirty dozen:

EVERY. THING.

it's such a good movie, even just listening to it.

that's what this week has come to - finding full movies on youtube and playing them in the background while i work. already, i've listened to cape fear, blazing saddles, box of moonlight and now, the dirty dozen.

there aren't any musicals that i like on youtube. :(

hummus

2 15 oz. cans of chickpeas/garbanzo beans, drained & rinsed
1/3 cup olive oil
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
3 tablespoons of sesame tahini
2-3 garlic cloves, crushed
1/4 cup water, more or less for thickness - I used 1/2 as much
pinch of cumin or coriander (optional)
salt and pepper
paprika - preferably hungarian smoked if you can find it.

They say to start by putting 1/2 the chickpeas and olive oil in a blender, but I found this to be fruitless without more liquid. So after pulsing several times and scraping several times, way way before it was "pureed and creamy", I gave in and dumped everything but the water in the blender and did the pulse/scrape dance. I didn't think it would do much harm, and it worked okay. I only put the water in at the end because I forgot and thought it might chill too thick - so only used a little and it was fine. I think your mileage may vary depending on the soaking of the beans.

My opinion is that this could have WAY more garlic, or lots more other fun things like sun-dried tomatoes or whatever else you put in. It reminds me a little of this hummus I'm obsessed with at the greek place on Garnet in PB. (I made Mike go there when we went to SD, because I still have never had pita bread so deliciously fresh or hummus more perfect.) This would be better with fresh pita bread, and I think even better if you went through all the pain of making your own garbanzo beans, but the canned stuff is good enough combined with the flexibility and volume it made to make it super worth it to me. It was CERTAINLY better than the "walnut mushroom pate" that looked like nasty grossness and tasted just as bad - so this hummus redeemed the cookbook.

BRILLIANT IDEA

they should make a phone service for single or alone people that calls you 10 minutes before the scheduled end of your work day to ask if you're going to be home soon.
it would then motivate said single or alone person to leave work when they're supposed to rather than being the only one who stays late because, what do they have to go home to?

it would make millions. just like my salted raisins idea. :)

portland rocks

Uhm, this is rad.

blah blah vampire emergency blah

Awe Sookie...I think it's lame too. Your life got a whole lot lamer an hour later though.

I found the extended Lafayette thing super annoying, but magic is just coming out the woodwork!

Holy Sam...Uhm.

Dammit, I can't believe there is only 2 episodes left!

other hbo tv

When you watch True Blood online, you don't get to see the preview for the new show coming with Steve Buscemi about prohibition and Atlantic City and the mob do yoi? Oh my god, I think it's the role he was born to do. I can't wait.

I really really should cancel HBO and Showtime and save $25 a month, but I just love this TV so. They keep doing this to me, make a new show start just when I'm going to cancel.

food

I spent a record obscene amount at the grocery store stocking up on dry grains, canned beans, spices and other pantry basics. I also bought a cookbook on economic vegan cooking. I am determined to have more options for us when Mike comes back. We scored recently with a couscous & olive oil recipe that rocked my world - so now I'm going to play with more things.

In the next couple of weeks I will make:
My own hummus
white bean aioli
walnut mushroom pate
sweet basil pesto tapenade
Rustic white beans and mushrooms
French Lentil soup with tarragon & thyme
Rosemary Focaccia
Veggie Chili & Skillet cornbread
sauteed spinach and tomatoes
stir fried leafy greens
pasta e fagiolo
and some baked goods...

I also picked TWELVE POUNDS of strawberries today - so I have 2 batches of Mexican Strawberry water marinating in the fridge and am going to try and figure out what to do with the rest now!

they are not any less gross together in real life

http://omg.yahoo.com/news/anna-paquin-and-stephen-moyer-get-married/46020

i thought you would like this

two days

I am taking 2 days off next week to run away from the world. I haven't decided what I'm doing, but I'm so, so so excited to be getting the fuck out of dodge. So excited.

i'm curious what you think about this.

http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/movie-talk-iconic-john-wayne-role-redone.html

school stuff

so, i met with an admissions counselor yesterday at marylhurst university which is local to portland. i sent them my unofficial transcripts from palomar in the morning and when i came in for my appointment, they had everything mapped out for me.

there are SO MANY good things that came out of this meeting:

1. i found that they are VERY flexible with what they will accept - for example: part of my plan is take a music business program/certificate track. there is no such thing as that around here in portland. the 3 i'm narrowing it down to are in LA, san francisco and minneapolis. they will take the units i earn in those courses and apply them toward my degree. they may even take an internship that i do through another program (internships are one of their senior requirements) depending on how it's set up.
2. they are super big on the "make your own track" kind of thing. they're specifically for people who already know what they want out of their education and want the flexibility to attain it in whatever way possible.
3. they have a non-profit masters degree track - right up my alley
4. they have very small classes and they meet once a week in a 3-4 hour block instead of 3 times a week for 1 hour. they do this because they have very few full-time faculty - all of their teachers actually work in the field they're teaching in and give up a day a week to teach.
5. they're not really the kind of school where people come to hang out for 4 years after high school. it seems like all the students know exactly what they want and are extremely focused and are eager to get everything they can out of the education they're getting rather than just getting a piece of paper because it's what you do after high school. the admissions dude said that their average student is in their 30s, that they do have students just out of high school, but they're super focused and driven.

and, BEST OF ALL

6. they are accepting enough of my credit from palomar, that i took upwards of 10 years ago, that i only have 6 months worth of classes at the community college before i can start upper level courses there.
the guy i met with said that i could easily be in a masters program in 2 years once i go back to school full time. my jaw literally dropped when he told me that. and the classes i have to take before upper level courses? 2 art classes, 2 applied sciences classes (not labs, but stuff like environmental studies) 1 writing class (scary because they are a writing intensive university, we all know how good i am at that one *rolleyes*) and a listening class.

all this, and more, makes me want to start back SO BAD right now. i'm almost thinking of not taking night classes, but getting a 2nd job instead so i can get out of this mortgage crap even faster.

here is another bit of amusement for you.

i think this may interest you

Red Velvet Fried Chicken

Oh MY GOD...http://www.americancupcake.com/ I want to spend all day doing cupcake and wine pairings and then eat every peanut butter and jelly deliciousness.

what??

no tb update? i tried to find it for 2 hours last night somewhere that wouldn't make me do a survey to watch it. that sentence came out like a foreign person said it. what?

i think i'm going to the sbucks tonight to watch it because THEIR INTERNET IS FASTER TAHN MINE. there's a problem with that.

it just hit me

what i think i'm missing that's making me so exhausted. i got just after i sent the email this morning.
you remember how i was drinking that "super greens" stuff in the mornings and at night to boost my immune system? i haven't done that in 7, almost 8 months and i thin kthat might be what ails me.

stoopid immune system.

halloween idea

you know, i'm shopping this "nancy botwin" idea around and everyone loves it (of course) but they're all saying i'm a "dead ringer" for her. i don't think i am. she's mega hot and i'd totally switch to the pink team for a chance to hit that.
i think people are just being nice.

but it does explain why charlie mars (her now boyfriend) hit on me when i met him at a steve show a couple years back.

i think it's going to be too easy and not halloween-y enough to be just "nancy". i think i'm going to be zombie nancy and have my cup have brains in it instead of a coffee drink. and say, "this is what happens when whe mexican mafia finds you." :D

speaking of Matt E

He's not coming back to the Crepe Place. I didn't know this and asked Adam about it and Adam had no idea he was coming to the West and said he'd "be hurt if Matt didn't come." I confirmed Saturday with KC that he's not, he's doing 2 days in Seaside down by Monterey instead and KC's house concert in SF. Now I feel weird because I asked Adam to email him and find out when he was coming. Oops. I also did a little begging for Tim Easton again. I also asked Adam to list off the 3 shows I shouldn't miss this year. I love that he knows my musical tastes and went through his book to hand pick ones. "These United States" is the first one. We'll see how they are!

David our bartender was there Friday..I promised I wouldn't get drunk and dance on his bar this time.

oh my

There was A LOT....A LOT of boy and boy love tonight...damn, just a lot of sexy times in general...Awesome!

GO LAFAYETTE!
GO ERIC! YESSSSSS!

Go...WAIT! NOT YOU! YOU TWO STOP! DAMMIT!

why???

do i get all jittery and flushed and the anti-confident when i have to defend myself verbally and when i SO RIGHTLY ask for something that will make all lives of the people involved easier, but i know they aren't going to want to comply?!?

that email? i sent it out today. i received responses from the 2 people that i didn't need responses from. one of the other people just came up to me and tells me verbally AGAIN to do something and i asked him nicely to send me an email about it - the 2nd time today - so i can priortize it and then stated that that was why i sent out htat email this morning and it specfically asks for this to be done. then he gets all huffy with me about it because he doesn't like emails and shit (redonk, let me tell you) and i get all flustery and jittery and flushed.

i think i got my point across, but i hate that i have such a negative physical reaction to something that is GOOD for me.

DAMMIT.

i'm in charge

For 2 weeks - the department is mine. One of the girls called me "boss lady" yesterday and I shivered and said "don't call me that!" I have 3 big "keep things moving" tasks and one big, giant, horrible in itself "forward plan" project thing...I thought I could just come in and have tea today but I think I'm going to need the Starbucks crack to get through this. I was fooling myself that I was going to get any sleep or do much while she is gone. Things are already coming up that might as well be organic chemistry for all that I understand them. Omg, I miss her already. I am going to learn so much so quickly, it's ridiculous.

have you

had the moolah talk with the fella yet?

pushy, i know. :)

baby steps

I ate at home tonight.
I baked chicken I got pre-marinated from Whole Foods last week.
Then I made myself not be lazy and saute zucchini (from my garden) to have something on the side.
It was a tiny big deal step to finding a routine. And yum and healthy. Yay.

bloody

i LOVE that those 2 aren't all goodie two shoes anymore. my bet is on a lower caste of angel, but i don't know. i can't think of a mythical creature that is 100% good.

eric is just getting better and better. and i LOVE that they're giving pam a nice storyline - shes so sassy!

tonights show

was MY show. he caught sight of me at the beginning, yells at me from stage and does EVERY song i want to hear. all of them. i even told him afterward, "you just played that whole show for me - that was my show." and he answered, "yeah i did!" in his silly steve way. i need to get a copy of it from modl.

those people in elkton LOVE him. it was awesome.

slumber party

steve, modl and i had a slumber party last night. modl is very snuggly. i'm not good at sleeping wrapped up in other people.
we watched crazy german accordian music and bad singing on the tv and then watched espn.

i miss those boys.

ha!

all email and network stuff is down at work, but not the internet! the network gods knew that steveiejoe was coming to town today and wanted me to have the day off.

they should just send us all home. :)

it is not very disciplined of me to write this, but I'm doing it.

I'm very chatty today. I don't know why. :)

So a while ago, you said a word that really stuck with me, about working on discipline. I think back to it every now and then, and I realize that I have none of this stuff you speak of. I often think about how I don't have a lot of will power and I'm not very motivated and I'm kind of lazy, but that I enjoy it and I get most things done when I'm supposed to. But, I could get so much more done and be in such less of a mess if I kicked my own ass every now and again. I can do these big things, but sometimes the simplest things just hang and hang over my head, and then create this anxiety in addition to it all. It's a super lame way of doing business and it's functional, but completely dysfunctional at the same time.

The combination of the events since my birthday with the shooter and other challenges have put a lot of things in perspective, and then yesterday was the straw that broke me. Well that and the whole mental strength of the 1/2 marathon thing. (I cried during it, but it was about pushing forward.) So I have the word discipline written on a post-it on my keyboard. And while I am obviously making a choice to ignore it right now to write this instead of working on coding the bazillion html emails I have to get done, and whatever lame tasks I'm behind on...I'm going to see what I can do to really try and make a change and see if I can pull some of these things together. There have been a lot of points of inspiration recently, there is no reason I should be this lazy. No reason. I can run 13.1 miles, I can pay my bills on time, clean my house and email the people back that I'm supposed to. I can. So today, I'm going to focus on this word and try and not get ADD and see if I can get things done...and then I'm going to go tell the boy all my news and then I'm going to wake up tomorrow and try and start new patterns.

Ray LaMontagne

Okay, I already loved him and his perfect and beautiful voice...and then Rescue Me uses him all the time as the soundtrack to all these really emotionally awesome moments (making me love him and firefighters so much more if that was possible) and now I am listening to Pandora and then are playing his song about Meg White and I just think that I want to marry him.

I don't think I could run without music. I'm so, so so glad that I decided to do the "one headphone allowed" thing (and pinned the other to my bib)...it was definitely worth it to have my music out there.

tell me more

about what you are doing with your kitchen lately?

so i have been curious

What are you going to go back to school for? (If you want to share.)

finances

So I just wrote the boy and told him that I would like to come over and talk to him tomorrow night, with the intention of telling him about my depressing credit score, scary collection nazis, and deep need to get a new car quickly with my $800 savings and no spare room in my budget. It's your voice in my head telling me it's okay and to not be scared. This dad business is forcing my hand today. I not only have to deal with my issues, I have to reach out for support. If I need/want him standing next to me when I walk into a dealership, he needs to know what awful things they may say to me before they say them so we aren't in that situation in public. I'm very nervous that every time I make a choice in the future to buy something instead of save something or pay off someone that he is going to judge me. This is my biggest fear I think. Not that he will see me as a bad potential long term partner, or anything else...just that when I buy new flip flops or go out to dinner, he will be thinking of my debt and judging me, when I'm already doing it enough for both of us, but I like my life, even if this is where it has gotten me.

I am also writing here that while I have the brief thought that moving in with him would save so much fucking money - I will not let that be the reason we ever combine households, nor will I ever be the one to bring up invading his space, I would like it be organic just like the love thing, and be invited in an overwhelming moment for him.

dilemma

ok, so, you know that my parents are the only ones i haven't talked to about all this stuff that happened at the beginning of the year, right? or, rather, explained the crazy to yet.
well, i've been talking to lou and he, being the daddy-lou that he is, wants me to really think about just letting them know i'm ALIVE. he said that, if i feel like it, i should just drop them a one-liner but put in there that i'm not ready to talk stuff out with them yet.
i've been thinking about it and i am totally muddled about it. for a lot of reasons. i feel like, if i do it, i should wait until the end of the year.

i don't know. i don't know why i put this here. maybe i just don't want to think about work yet. :)

while tb loads...

i can't sing the praises of the new car enough. i want to open her up so bad, but the cops here are ferocious! she's seriously a ticket waiting to happen.

especially for you, i HIGHLY recommend test driving one when you're ready to buy something new. i feel like it's the perfect blend of your fun racey cars and something long-lasting and practical. and it will last for a REALLY long time. and with the AWD that comes standard, you'd be able to dart all over that curvy hill with no thought of sloshiness - no matter the conditions. and this one is automatic with the manual sport shift thing which i can't WAIT to use. and the sound... OH the sound.

unfortunately, you automatically turn into a lesbian when you buy one. :)

TB Notes

Seriously, why can't -he- just DIE?! The show doesn't need him. *sigh*

Erik's going to play the other team for a bit? Innnnnteresting.

I don't think that worked Tara...sorry...

I'm not happy with this Lafayette turn of events.

Mmmm wolf butt.

At least this season has less of the whiney bitch and more of a plot, but I'm interested to know what she is now.

I like that the show has 2 red heads.

THIS is why you can't declare bankruptcy

my bankruptcy is going to come off my credit in less than 1 year and my credit union STILL won't finance me for a car because there is a bankruptcy on my credit. that is the SOLE reason.

i'm not saying, i'm jsut saying.

Patrick Dennis & Crepes

Tonight. :)
I don't know anything about this band he is with...but it should be good times right?

presentation deets

HOW'D IT GO? you killed it, right? they loved your awesomeness and said "sold!" i just know it.

i'm a-gonna pee my pants

matt and scrappy are coming up here in november. i'm super tres excited.

hi.

I really miss you. :)
I would like to see you or at least talk to you again soon.

cooking

i'm starting to see what people mean when they say cooking is relaxing. i just made a whole night of baking some swordfish steaks i got at trader joes in a tomato basil... thing. walked down to the trader joes, picked up some supplies, walked home, did the dishes, got everything ready and cooked away and it was super mellow and nice. it might not be good, i don't know, but it kind of doesn't matter now... i should remember this tomorrow at lunch when i'm eating what i just made.

maybe i'll start eating meals right after cooking rather than cooking for lunch. :)

ps - i need to work on sautee-ing.

true blood

i think franklin is my new favorite. purely for entertainment value. he's hysterical! in SO MANY ways!

nope

he didn't show. but it doesn't really surprise me. boys have a short attention span. :)

how excited are you about this weekend?!

i think this is true about life too.

This was in my head a lot yesterday and still - "Everyone is tired, you're here to run." -Spirit of the Marathon

Check out Sunday

Treasure Island Music Fest

I may be in Socal - but I love that we have festivals like this in the Bay. :)

affirmation

guess what straight girl found the only straight boy at the 3 gay clubs we went to on saturday night?

and the boy was cute about things - said he didn't want to get my number at a bar, so he needed to meet up with me somewhere. he chose the place and i chose the date. midnight on 7/15 at 21st and glisan.
i have to go only to promote and encourage assertiveness in portland boys because they're "shy" (read: lazy).



ps - i do NOT remember when he looks like. just that he was tall and named lionel. like ritchie. and that he's drunk gay boy approved.

The Hair

Isn't this totally Patrick Dennis hair?

stuff and stuff

have i adequately expressed how unbelievably excited i am to have my own place again? when i said i'd consider doing a room share thing when i first got here, i must have been high. seriously. because having my own place ROCKS MY FACE.

i love it i love it i love it.

if i ever meet a man that is single and hangs out long enough for there to be discussion of joining quaters, he'd better be rich so he can get a house with 2 separate wings with separate kitchens and bathrooms and whatnot with a communal room where there is a huge bed for screwing. and movie watching. and pillow fights.

WOW. that sounds pretty heavenly. or he can just get the apartment next door and we'll just meet up for cuddling, screwing and conversation. :)

anyhooters, i've decided that i'm going to celebrate having my own space as much as i can and i feel like actually USING space is the way to do that. so, once i get a complete kitchen together, i'm going to make myself cook a new meal at least 2 times a week. i kind of did it yesterday and i poached salmon and made some brown rice and IT WAS GOOD. i seriously surprised myself because i usually don't do shite like that.

i feel awesome and accomplished.
oh, and i wore a dress to walk around and do my errands on saturday and got 2 catcalls, 2 homeless dudes talking to me, 3 "nice dress!"s and lots of stares. it was weird but good and i want to do it again.

how was your 4th?

Congrats!

Looks like there is lots to celebrate this independence day for you? Steps towards independence? How are things?

Things here are okay. I'd like to be mentally and physically healthy for a bit. My highlight for June is that I survived 4 days with his mother. :)

Unplugged

dreams

ryan was all OVER my dreams last night. in the weirdest way. it's oddly unsettling. :)

true blood

premiere? worth it?

how much deliciousness was there?

there needs to be a new post here.

Something...anything...that doesn't say "gunman" when I check. (Ugh. Finally getting over that.)

Today's thoughts:
Hal Sparks, comedian, has never drank...how does that happen? Not once? I mean, I guess I've never smoked a cigarette...but I googled and expected him to be Mormon, but he's not. He's also never smoked pot...but is a giant advocate for legalizing it...because he believes in hemp. I don't know why, but after watching this guy for an hour...I think I have a crush on him in a weird brain way.

I am in love. (Though, his mother is coming soon...watch out.) I also really love my bike, my body and my garden in a pretty giant way right now. Also, the entire "The Girl Who..." series, sort of rocked my world, and I highly recommend it. There is 250 pages left for me, the author is dead, and I'm going to mourn losing the awesomeness that is the female lead. I think you would like her.

There is not enough time to do big things I need to. I've not a lot of discipline, routine, schedule or structure in my own life right now, I'm flailing, but at least above water. Things at work are eh, and not a lot of good news on the horizon.

How goes things with you? You doing okay?

so...

gunman? at your door? what's up with that??

SERIOUSLY.

happy birthday

pretty gardening runner lady!

i hope the week's been awesome for you.

I miss you a lot

I don't think I've gone a whole year without seeing you in a really long time.

observation

there is a LOT of pot in portland. and it's not mexi or anything! it's sticky and stinky and i'm pretty sure i've gotten high more times since i've been here than i have collectively throughout the rest of my life previously. not entirely sure how i'm feeling about that.

treasure hunting

the goodie two skates and i went treasure hunting today and found her a camcorder for $120 at a pawn shop. now i've been tasked with figuring out how it works and then showing her. i can't believe the people i've met here so far. i hope i can keep them.

I just have to share.

He loves me. He said so. Last Thursday.
Also - I'm going home with him for Christmas.
And his Mom is coming next month.
I'm really happy with him.

i just need to put this somewhere...

i can't express enough how grateful and thankful i am to have a fredvanvactor in my life. the dude is doing a perfect job of taking care of me right now. and what's awesome is that i think i'm going to be able to repay the gesture sooner than i think.

every day this week i think...

...I need to email Shannon and respond to those things...and yet, here I am, and it is Friday, and I cannot keep my head above the water still. This is not the kind of friend I wanted to start out being. I am quietly scolding myself, while hoping you don't think I'm ignoring you. I cannot wait until tomorrow when I can feel like I'm catching up again...and maybe have some clean clothes...and be able to communicate. Right now, I am the lady spinning the plates, and if any fall...whew boy, I'm in trouble.

do you know what i've found here?

not a job. not a place. but i found my very first 2 fairy godgays. my first ever. i love them already.

i'm not sayin', i'm just sayin'.

maybe

maybe i'll join the military. i have a wicked mind and they'll pay me, pay for my housing and likely send me to exotic locales. and when i'm done, they'll pay for my schooling.

hm.

today is the day

that i start freaking out that i don't have a job yet. i can feel the heat creeping up the back of my neck. bleh! it doesn't help that one of fred's roommates - the guy who owns the house - is a creep and really weird. the other 2 roommates are the shiz, but this one is a whole lot to handle - no one really likes him, they all just tolerate him. i almost wish he wasn't here and i could rent out his room - that would be AWESOME.
having faith that i'm provided for and that things will work out and relinquishing control is difficult for me right now. geh.

i just needed to vent a bit.

Yeah, I don't know what to say about this, but I thought you might have some words

and i think you may appreciate this:

this is my garmin:




boys can have their toys - i just need this.

I thought you might appreciate this

Rainbow Kitty

introductions

hi, i'm shannon. i just turned 30 and didn't celebrate it in the slightest. i think that just means that i'm going to have a rockin' party in p-town for the 31st - it's a saturday, so it'll be ok.
i used to have a nickname, but i don't have it anymore because i let it get out of control and be the only thing that defined me - silly nickname. i don't know what to call myself anymore.
and i just led a hot yoga class - immediately after swimming for 30 minutes - and wasn't really that nervous about it - maybe the fact that it was a silent class made me less nervous.

i have changed as a person in the past year, 6 months, 4 months, 1 month, 1 week. i'm not entirely sure how to define myself right now or even how i'm going to be around people - new ones as well as the ones that have been around. i've found out that i'm an adventurous, bold, beautiful (yes, i am finally ready to own that descriptor of myself), caring, funny, silly and WEIRD person amongst many other things. i'm learning to outwardly express my feelings towards those who need to hear them. i'm learning how to tell people they're being an asshole to me AT THE TIME (key), rather than sitting on that feeling and letting it build until the time passes where the expression is going to be lost. that is extremely difficult for me, but it's something i need to learn. i most definitely do NOT have it "all figured out", but i have enough now that my anxiety is gone or severely dwindling. at this time, i feel like i'm never going to crave xanax again. :)
i do worry that if i talk too much about it, i'll start sounding all new-agey or floaty or like that person that i want to slap silly whenever i go to buy candles. i am much more relaxed with things at this point in time. i'm more ready to accept the awesomeness that i am and that i surround myself with - i was always afraid of it far a lot of reasons. the ceaseless chatter in my head has died down dramatically. it's not gone, but it may never be gone.
i have stopped worrying about living my life around other people - not going to this show because so-and-so is going to be there and it'll be awkward, or not going to this town because this and that happened there and this person/these people are there and i'm going to have to see them. "fuck it", i say - "i'm fine with whatever happened to have happened between us at that time, if you're not, you'll tell me and it'll get resolved and then it'll be done."
all of this is subject to change though once i get back into the "real" world, but i really do like feeling this way, so i hope it stays.

tori, i don't know that we're ever going to be where we were before - that is something that is up to both of us and up to time. to be perfectly honest, where we were before wasn't perfect. it was definitely great, but certainly not the be all and end all in relationships. frankly, i would be more than happy to see our friendship (should you choose to have it) grow into something greater than it was before and i think it can.

ps - you SHOULD run the 1/2 marathon instead of THINKING you're going to run the half marathon. :D think of it this way, if you can live through running 13.3 miles, you can live through most anything AND you get bragging rights.

I realized something.

You may not want us to be us again just because you're back and you might want us to be friends again. I realize, you may not be anything like the person you were a year ago. And that's okay. I realized a lot while you were gone that while I was very upset and hurt and mad at you for the choices that you made, they were your decisions to make. It is my selfishness and loneliness that made it all suck from my side.

You took up a lot of space in my life, and when you were gone, I wasn't sure what to do with that space. Or this one. I don't even know if you want this space anymore. I don't know anything except my stuff. And so why I work on my stuff, I'd like to maybe start to see who you are and what kind of friends we might be again.

Hi, I'm Tori...I think I'm going to run a 1/2 marathon in 3 months on my bad knees, and today is my boyfriend's birthday. He still thinks he's the king.

I'm torn.

I want to give you posting access back here, but I am not sure I am ready for us to be us again, but I am not sure I am ready to talk directly to you either. More than 1/2 of me is still so furious with you, I can barely even think about talking to you. Then there is part of me that wants to send you everything I've written down that I want to say to you so we can get on with this. I hate that I miss you so much and that I'm pretty sure I can't stay mad at you forever, even though sometimes I want to.

Let's start with, I am not sure how much of the pieces you have put together about what happened with me when you were gone, or if you have figured out how much we all know about how long you had planned to leave, who you were, and where you were while you were gone. We know a lot. We can put together pieces nicely. This family that you so quickly discarded is stronger and tighter than you could have ever guessed. It was all of that added in that made me so much more angry over the months you were gone. I wish I didn't know how long you had planned to screw me over.

I will also say, I feel that crazy is not an excuse - we are all fucking crazy. And the more you say crazy rehab and seem to make a joke out of what you did, the less I think you could have any genuine understanding of how fucked up I think what you did to me was. (And I should add, what you did to all the people who don't know that you threw them away and said they didn't care about you.) I'm happy for you that you had some cathartic growth from it, but I don't really feel that I am comfortable with that as enough of a benefit from the damage you caused to let you back in my life.

So I'm just not sure what to do. I'm appreciative you are trying, and I am thankful that you find me someone you may want to re-evaluate. But I'm not exactly sure I can trust you again. You really hurt me, and I'm not sure I'm ready to give you everything that comes with me saying how and how bad.

I'm just going to need some time.

You were my sister, and you broke my heart.

Quote

http://pitchfork.com/news/38381-echo-chamber-iggy-pop/

"Years ago, some girl wrote in the classifieds saying she was looking for a man 'with the poetic sensitivity of Leonard Cohen and the raw power of Iggy Pop,' so Leonard tried to get me to set up a three-way with her [laughs]. He said, 'Dude, we can give her both!'"

-- Iggy Pop. (via Rolling Stone)