I'm very chatty today. I don't know why. :)
So a while ago, you said a word that really stuck with me, about working on discipline. I think back to it every now and then, and I realize that I have none of this stuff you speak of. I often think about how I don't have a lot of will power and I'm not very motivated and I'm kind of lazy, but that I enjoy it and I get most things done when I'm supposed to. But, I could get so much more done and be in such less of a mess if I kicked my own ass every now and again. I can do these big things, but sometimes the simplest things just hang and hang over my head, and then create this anxiety in addition to it all. It's a super lame way of doing business and it's functional, but completely dysfunctional at the same time.
The combination of the events since my birthday with the shooter and other challenges have put a lot of things in perspective, and then yesterday was the straw that broke me. Well that and the whole mental strength of the 1/2 marathon thing. (I cried during it, but it was about pushing forward.) So I have the word discipline written on a post-it on my keyboard. And while I am obviously making a choice to ignore it right now to write this instead of working on coding the bazillion html emails I have to get done, and whatever lame tasks I'm behind on...I'm going to see what I can do to really try and make a change and see if I can pull some of these things together. There have been a lot of points of inspiration recently, there is no reason I should be this lazy. No reason. I can run 13.1 miles, I can pay my bills on time, clean my house and email the people back that I'm supposed to. I can. So today, I'm going to focus on this word and try and not get ADD and see if I can get things done...and then I'm going to go tell the boy all my news and then I'm going to wake up tomorrow and try and start new patterns.
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self-discipline is hard. i'm just gonna be blunt and say that right now. it's hard when it hasn't been instilled in you since a young age. it's truly a "old dog new tricks" situation.
ReplyDeletei did well in las cruces when i didn't have ANYTHING else on my plate but to focus on that. i was well-rested and clear and i liked it.
enter portland and all the "administrative" issues that came with that and, admittedly, my self-discipline went out the window. everything so far has been a race towards this weekend - i wanted to be semi-settled and "normal" by the time steve got here. that was a nice little timeframe. and i'm there enough, but once tuesday hits, i really need to start focusing on putting some structure back in my life that is not work. and setting boundaries at work. i REALLY need to outline boundaries with a few people that i'm processing for right now. i need to start meditating again. i need to be more consistent with my exercise again. i need to put it right in front of my face so i don't cop out on it. it's hard.
i'm super glad i had the opportunity to feel what it was like in las cruces though so i know what i need to get back to. i need to feeling examples like that.
everyone has things that are difficult for them, and for me (and it sounds like you) it's the self-discipline. i think part of it is that we were both raised to be people-pleasers (i think) as well, so we're disciplined as heck when it comes to getting things done for others, but we don't show ourselves that same kind of respect.
we're lazy when it comes to "me" stuff.
we're not motivated when it comes to "me" stuff.
that's not necessarily good, but i'm glad you and i are working on that. :)