I want to give you posting access back here, but I am not sure I am ready for us to be us again, but I am not sure I am ready to talk directly to you either. More than 1/2 of me is still so furious with you, I can barely even think about talking to you. Then there is part of me that wants to send you everything I've written down that I want to say to you so we can get on with this. I hate that I miss you so much and that I'm pretty sure I can't stay mad at you forever, even though sometimes I want to.
Let's start with, I am not sure how much of the pieces you have put together about what happened with me when you were gone, or if you have figured out how much we all know about how long you had planned to leave, who you were, and where you were while you were gone. We know a lot. We can put together pieces nicely. This family that you so quickly discarded is stronger and tighter than you could have ever guessed. It was all of that added in that made me so much more angry over the months you were gone. I wish I didn't know how long you had planned to screw me over.
I will also say, I feel that crazy is not an excuse - we are all fucking crazy. And the more you say crazy rehab and seem to make a joke out of what you did, the less I think you could have any genuine understanding of how fucked up I think what you did to me was. (And I should add, what you did to all the people who don't know that you threw them away and said they didn't care about you.) I'm happy for you that you had some cathartic growth from it, but I don't really feel that I am comfortable with that as enough of a benefit from the damage you caused to let you back in my life.
So I'm just not sure what to do. I'm appreciative you are trying, and I am thankful that you find me someone you may want to re-evaluate. But I'm not exactly sure I can trust you again. You really hurt me, and I'm not sure I'm ready to give you everything that comes with me saying how and how bad.
I'm just going to need some time.
You were my sister, and you broke my heart.
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I understand that this is going to take time and I'm ready for that. I'm ready for whatever you or anyone else needs from me, of me, etc. so that all these feelings can be resolved. When I “came out”, I guess you could call it that, I wasn't expecting an overwhelming response of “ok, cool, let's get on with life, come on back into the fold” or anything like that. I didn't do that as an attempt to pressure you or anyone else into letting me back into your life. I didn't do it to force you or anyone else into an immediate decision about how they feel or what they want or need from me. That is the opposite of my intent. I also know that it's not my decision to be back in your life – it's yours and it's up to you to invite me. I know that will take time and I also know that it just might not happen. While I have a preference as to which outcome occurs, I have resolved myself to both scenarios – that's what I have to do right now.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to the aftermath of my leaving, I know, and I don't know what happened. I know what it looks like from my end, but I don't know what happened with anything or anyone else – I don't know details. The only person I've talked to about anything at this point is Dawn and she did and didn't really know that something was going on and she hasn't been following anything with regards to that.
I know now that what I did was completely fucked up and inexcusable and I know now that some people are going to be effected by it but I didn't (and still don't) know how those effects are going to perpetrate themselves and I don't know who is affected. None of this has been communicated to me by anyone until now, until you. I want to know so I can figure out the best way to approach all of this on an individual basis. However, I know, and need to express, that there is nothing I can do at this point to rectify the past, I can only work on today and attempt to relieve the pain from today, not yesterday, not a week ago, not a month ago. All I can do for the past is apologize profusely and supplicate myself to the will of you and others to try and make amends, which I feel like I am ready for and have opened myself up to, but it's not up to me to decide what needs to be done to make you and others feel better. I need that to be communicated to me.
...continued in email