hi, i'm shannon. i just turned 30 and didn't celebrate it in the slightest. i think that just means that i'm going to have a rockin' party in p-town for the 31st - it's a saturday, so it'll be ok.
i used to have a nickname, but i don't have it anymore because i let it get out of control and be the only thing that defined me - silly nickname. i don't know what to call myself anymore.
and i just led a hot yoga class - immediately after swimming for 30 minutes - and wasn't really that nervous about it - maybe the fact that it was a silent class made me less nervous.
i have changed as a person in the past year, 6 months, 4 months, 1 month, 1 week. i'm not entirely sure how to define myself right now or even how i'm going to be around people - new ones as well as the ones that have been around. i've found out that i'm an adventurous, bold, beautiful (yes, i am finally ready to own that descriptor of myself), caring, funny, silly and WEIRD person amongst many other things. i'm learning to outwardly express my feelings towards those who need to hear them. i'm learning how to tell people they're being an asshole to me AT THE TIME (key), rather than sitting on that feeling and letting it build until the time passes where the expression is going to be lost. that is extremely difficult for me, but it's something i need to learn. i most definitely do NOT have it "all figured out", but i have enough now that my anxiety is gone or severely dwindling. at this time, i feel like i'm never going to crave xanax again. :)
i do worry that if i talk too much about it, i'll start sounding all new-agey or floaty or like that person that i want to slap silly whenever i go to buy candles. i am much more relaxed with things at this point in time. i'm more ready to accept the awesomeness that i am and that i surround myself with - i was always afraid of it far a lot of reasons. the ceaseless chatter in my head has died down dramatically. it's not gone, but it may never be gone.
i have stopped worrying about living my life around other people - not going to this show because so-and-so is going to be there and it'll be awkward, or not going to this town because this and that happened there and this person/these people are there and i'm going to have to see them. "fuck it", i say - "i'm fine with whatever happened to have happened between us at that time, if you're not, you'll tell me and it'll get resolved and then it'll be done."
all of this is subject to change though once i get back into the "real" world, but i really do like feeling this way, so i hope it stays.
tori, i don't know that we're ever going to be where we were before - that is something that is up to both of us and up to time. to be perfectly honest, where we were before wasn't perfect. it was definitely great, but certainly not the be all and end all in relationships. frankly, i would be more than happy to see our friendship (should you choose to have it) grow into something greater than it was before and i think it can.
ps - you SHOULD run the 1/2 marathon instead of THINKING you're going to run the half marathon. :D think of it this way, if you can live through running 13.3 miles, you can live through most anything AND you get bragging rights.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I never said it was the be all and end all of relationships, nor did I say it was perfect, or that I wanted it to stay the same. I just said you were my friend, an important friend, and sort of like my family and it sucked when you left. I'm sorry if I put too much on that.
ReplyDeleteah, perhaps i wasn't clear about that - i wasn't complaining about or diminishing what we had before at all, i just think that we can have something that has and will continue to grow into something better. and i think time is going to be the biggest factor in that.
ReplyDeleteyou are an important friend to me, no matter how you slice it.