stupid question of the day

is the ipad the only "reading device" thing with which i'd be able to read blogs? or can the kindle or those other reading device things go online so that i can read blogs as well?

i don't know a lot about all that because it's not really my bag to have stuff like that, but i'm getting to a point where there is so much stuff i SHOULD be reading... i don't feel like i spend enough time in front of my computer to get it all done. or i don't WANT to spend that much time in front of a computer.

holy crap

I dreamed I had a baby, but I couldn't remember having the baby or being pregnant, it was just all of a sudden there and I had to breast feed it, and we had no crib or supplies and was calling everyone asking for advice and balancing it in the back seat with no car seat. It was so crazy real that I woke up with this weird different mom feeling. I'm pretty sure I know why I had the dream, but it freaked me the fuck out.

Oh...AND...My Table of Contents is SIX PAGES now. I'd rather be writing porn. I feel like this is why I changed from a politics major to a sociology major - I hate writing lengthy documents that ramble and people scan anyway. No one is going to read this whole thing, I bet you.

more insight on the bar...

i had my conference with the teacher tonight. and i totally understand why i'm doing as well as i am.
she has pretty low expectations of what the students are going to bring to the class. so, the fact that i have broad, general and, most times, correct ideas about grammar and punctuation is an added bonus for her. the fact that i can construct a vivid picture with my writing is a BIG plus for her.

she, in no uncertain terms, alluded to the fact that she already knows she's going to give me an A in the class. i'm not sure how i feel about that.
but she DID give me a hook for the time-frame portion of the next essay due so i can be in compliance with the full assignment. YAY!
i consider the conference a draw.

OH, and i did a lot better on my sri thing than i thought i would. but, again, that was put into perspective tonight. :)

let me explain to you the fright about the bar

ok, so, this essay i got back last night? that i was asked to read in front of the class? i got 98 out of 100 points on it. the ONLY thing she dinged me on was my slight overuse of the "dramatic" dash. as in, punctuation.
the reason this worries me is because this essay is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than the remaining essays we have to write for the class. this essay was a narrative, we're telling a story. we're allowed to use casual, conversational language. i can totally write like that!

the remaining essays? they're academic essays. compare and contrast. if/then. define a word - essay #3 is an essay on ONE WORD. identifiable theses and topic sentences, intro and conclusion paragraphs. explanation within a structure is HARD for me. and now i have to meet or exceed this bar of perfection that i set on myself, jsut keeping an eye on my dashes?!? what??

tired...

i was up until 1:30am writng a paper for class and it's shit. i'm sure it doesn't help that i was going through notes on another essay i was writing about until 10pm, when i realized that i can't make any sense of my notes and that i needed to choose a whole new essay to analyze. this isn't looking hopeful.

on the other hand, i'm getting my first essay back tonight and i think the teacher is gonna dig it. i'm interested to see her feedback on it.

i know

you all think i'm silly and nutso about this "i'm going to be a nun" thing, but, can i tell you? i cried my eyes out on thursday and friday. i cried so much and so hard because of my own stupidity that i think i pulled a muscle in my neck trying to keep it from coming out. on friday, i was a total shell of a person. for the first time ever i was most definitely there "physically, but not mentally".

but then, i went down the street and got all that whiskey - and not because that's the way i deal with these things, if it were, i would gone to the liquor store and bought a bottle or 3 - but something compelled me to do it. without thinking i got $20 cash back from my target trip, dropped the purchases off at my house and turned around and walked right out the door to the bar knowing that i was going to ask for 3 shots of whiskey, down them and leave. it's like i wasn't in control of my body.

when i got home i watched a movie and went to bed. i said what i call my "goodnights" when i went to bed - it's basically just me saying thank you for the day and trying to be consiously grateful to be alive and having survived the day. and, for whatever reason, the words "i'm going to give you my heart to take care of because i keep on fucking up and just can't stand it anymore" came out, not really toward anyone or anything but wholly, fully and truthfully meaning it to whatever was listening.

and saturday, i woke up done. i woke up in the best mood, super light of heart - it didn't hurt anymore - not thinking about anything that went down. and it lasted ALL DAY. and the same thing happened on sunday. and this morning (even though i got -0- sleep and i'm cranky because of that).
i'm seriously amazed. i'm not going to get a religious on people or anything. it's not like i'm going to get religious on myself either. it's just the most succinct way i can phrase what happened?

the cherry on top

you know what just made this WHOLE WEEK that much more awesome?!

i just heard that the dragon lady gave the new processor bonuses for the files i closed out for her last month.

that woman has screwed me out of $1000 in bonuses. what a fucking shitstain.

i want to cry

i did something totally stupid that i don't even want to talk about and it fell through (AGAIN). and i want to cry because i'm mad at myself for getting excited about it happening when nothing in the past indicated that it would happen.
as a matter of fact, all historical evidence indicated that it WOULDN'T happen. and yet, i still tried.

christ. sometimes i'm so fucking lame.

oy.

My job is so freaking hard right now. I just wanna crawl in bed and shut down. This isn't anything I can go read a book and figure out how to do it either - and that's mind boggling for me. Ugh.

so

do you still have that lovin' feeling? how was the drive back?

am i picky? or closed? or shitty? or just want something a little less "modern"?

so, this video store dude. he seems nice and all, but within the first 5 minutes of TEXTING it was about sex. this makes me think he doesn't have anything else to talk* about. and then, subsequent TEXTS (why he can't push the "call" button on the phone and talk to me, i don't know) are just in the "what are you wearing" vein and i'm so over it already.
i saw this guy for maybe 5 minutes, at the video store, and since he was impressed with my movie choice of "dead snow" (fantastic zombie movie) and my ability to speak articulate and coherent sentences about something he likes (mainly because i was around people i'm not attracted to) he just latched on.
from what i remember, i KNOW he's shorter than me. kind of significantly. he's covered in tattoos almost in the way that people cover themselves in tattoos just to show others that they're covered in tattoos and are, therefore, "badass". he's got 2 kids. and he can't find anything else to talk* about except sex. he couldn't (maybe wouldn't?) even expand on movies and his favorite ones or favorite genres or anything like that.

people say i need to "open up" and let people in and what not, but accepting this, settling for this for even a small amount of time is not what they mean, right?

* - texting is NOT talking

did i mention

that i went to the video store tonight and set up a new account and the guy from the store has been texting with me all night because he got my number off the application?

that's weird, right?

Google Says 12 hours.

694 miles Me to You.

tell me about it stud...

tell me about the cars that you drove! what you like, what you don't like, what things are swaying your decisions, why you test drove the ones you did, what your thoughts in general are.

i'm curious - it's not often people get to go car shopping. :)