i know

you all think i'm silly and nutso about this "i'm going to be a nun" thing, but, can i tell you? i cried my eyes out on thursday and friday. i cried so much and so hard because of my own stupidity that i think i pulled a muscle in my neck trying to keep it from coming out. on friday, i was a total shell of a person. for the first time ever i was most definitely there "physically, but not mentally".

but then, i went down the street and got all that whiskey - and not because that's the way i deal with these things, if it were, i would gone to the liquor store and bought a bottle or 3 - but something compelled me to do it. without thinking i got $20 cash back from my target trip, dropped the purchases off at my house and turned around and walked right out the door to the bar knowing that i was going to ask for 3 shots of whiskey, down them and leave. it's like i wasn't in control of my body.

when i got home i watched a movie and went to bed. i said what i call my "goodnights" when i went to bed - it's basically just me saying thank you for the day and trying to be consiously grateful to be alive and having survived the day. and, for whatever reason, the words "i'm going to give you my heart to take care of because i keep on fucking up and just can't stand it anymore" came out, not really toward anyone or anything but wholly, fully and truthfully meaning it to whatever was listening.

and saturday, i woke up done. i woke up in the best mood, super light of heart - it didn't hurt anymore - not thinking about anything that went down. and it lasted ALL DAY. and the same thing happened on sunday. and this morning (even though i got -0- sleep and i'm cranky because of that).
i'm seriously amazed. i'm not going to get a religious on people or anything. it's not like i'm going to get religious on myself either. it's just the most succinct way i can phrase what happened?