gunman? at your door? what's up with that??
SERIOUSLY.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
observation
there is a LOT of pot in portland. and it's not mexi or anything! it's sticky and stinky and i'm pretty sure i've gotten high more times since i've been here than i have collectively throughout the rest of my life previously. not entirely sure how i'm feeling about that.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
treasure hunting
the goodie two skates and i went treasure hunting today and found her a camcorder for $120 at a pawn shop. now i've been tasked with figuring out how it works and then showing her. i can't believe the people i've met here so far. i hope i can keep them.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
I just have to share.
He loves me. He said so. Last Thursday.
Also - I'm going home with him for Christmas.
And his Mom is coming next month.
I'm really happy with him.
Also - I'm going home with him for Christmas.
And his Mom is coming next month.
I'm really happy with him.
Monday, May 3, 2010
i just need to put this somewhere...
i can't express enough how grateful and thankful i am to have a fredvanvactor in my life. the dude is doing a perfect job of taking care of me right now. and what's awesome is that i think i'm going to be able to repay the gesture sooner than i think.
Friday, April 30, 2010
every day this week i think...
...I need to email Shannon and respond to those things...and yet, here I am, and it is Friday, and I cannot keep my head above the water still. This is not the kind of friend I wanted to start out being. I am quietly scolding myself, while hoping you don't think I'm ignoring you. I cannot wait until tomorrow when I can feel like I'm catching up again...and maybe have some clean clothes...and be able to communicate. Right now, I am the lady spinning the plates, and if any fall...whew boy, I'm in trouble.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
do you know what i've found here?
not a job. not a place. but i found my very first 2 fairy godgays. my first ever. i love them already.
i'm not sayin', i'm just sayin'.
i'm not sayin', i'm just sayin'.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
maybe
maybe i'll join the military. i have a wicked mind and they'll pay me, pay for my housing and likely send me to exotic locales. and when i'm done, they'll pay for my schooling.
hm.
hm.
today is the day
that i start freaking out that i don't have a job yet. i can feel the heat creeping up the back of my neck. bleh! it doesn't help that one of fred's roommates - the guy who owns the house - is a creep and really weird. the other 2 roommates are the shiz, but this one is a whole lot to handle - no one really likes him, they all just tolerate him. i almost wish he wasn't here and i could rent out his room - that would be AWESOME.
having faith that i'm provided for and that things will work out and relinquishing control is difficult for me right now. geh.
i just needed to vent a bit.
having faith that i'm provided for and that things will work out and relinquishing control is difficult for me right now. geh.
i just needed to vent a bit.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
introductions
hi, i'm shannon. i just turned 30 and didn't celebrate it in the slightest. i think that just means that i'm going to have a rockin' party in p-town for the 31st - it's a saturday, so it'll be ok.
i used to have a nickname, but i don't have it anymore because i let it get out of control and be the only thing that defined me - silly nickname. i don't know what to call myself anymore.
and i just led a hot yoga class - immediately after swimming for 30 minutes - and wasn't really that nervous about it - maybe the fact that it was a silent class made me less nervous.
i have changed as a person in the past year, 6 months, 4 months, 1 month, 1 week. i'm not entirely sure how to define myself right now or even how i'm going to be around people - new ones as well as the ones that have been around. i've found out that i'm an adventurous, bold, beautiful (yes, i am finally ready to own that descriptor of myself), caring, funny, silly and WEIRD person amongst many other things. i'm learning to outwardly express my feelings towards those who need to hear them. i'm learning how to tell people they're being an asshole to me AT THE TIME (key), rather than sitting on that feeling and letting it build until the time passes where the expression is going to be lost. that is extremely difficult for me, but it's something i need to learn. i most definitely do NOT have it "all figured out", but i have enough now that my anxiety is gone or severely dwindling. at this time, i feel like i'm never going to crave xanax again. :)
i do worry that if i talk too much about it, i'll start sounding all new-agey or floaty or like that person that i want to slap silly whenever i go to buy candles. i am much more relaxed with things at this point in time. i'm more ready to accept the awesomeness that i am and that i surround myself with - i was always afraid of it far a lot of reasons. the ceaseless chatter in my head has died down dramatically. it's not gone, but it may never be gone.
i have stopped worrying about living my life around other people - not going to this show because so-and-so is going to be there and it'll be awkward, or not going to this town because this and that happened there and this person/these people are there and i'm going to have to see them. "fuck it", i say - "i'm fine with whatever happened to have happened between us at that time, if you're not, you'll tell me and it'll get resolved and then it'll be done."
all of this is subject to change though once i get back into the "real" world, but i really do like feeling this way, so i hope it stays.
tori, i don't know that we're ever going to be where we were before - that is something that is up to both of us and up to time. to be perfectly honest, where we were before wasn't perfect. it was definitely great, but certainly not the be all and end all in relationships. frankly, i would be more than happy to see our friendship (should you choose to have it) grow into something greater than it was before and i think it can.
ps - you SHOULD run the 1/2 marathon instead of THINKING you're going to run the half marathon. :D think of it this way, if you can live through running 13.3 miles, you can live through most anything AND you get bragging rights.
i used to have a nickname, but i don't have it anymore because i let it get out of control and be the only thing that defined me - silly nickname. i don't know what to call myself anymore.
and i just led a hot yoga class - immediately after swimming for 30 minutes - and wasn't really that nervous about it - maybe the fact that it was a silent class made me less nervous.
i have changed as a person in the past year, 6 months, 4 months, 1 month, 1 week. i'm not entirely sure how to define myself right now or even how i'm going to be around people - new ones as well as the ones that have been around. i've found out that i'm an adventurous, bold, beautiful (yes, i am finally ready to own that descriptor of myself), caring, funny, silly and WEIRD person amongst many other things. i'm learning to outwardly express my feelings towards those who need to hear them. i'm learning how to tell people they're being an asshole to me AT THE TIME (key), rather than sitting on that feeling and letting it build until the time passes where the expression is going to be lost. that is extremely difficult for me, but it's something i need to learn. i most definitely do NOT have it "all figured out", but i have enough now that my anxiety is gone or severely dwindling. at this time, i feel like i'm never going to crave xanax again. :)
i do worry that if i talk too much about it, i'll start sounding all new-agey or floaty or like that person that i want to slap silly whenever i go to buy candles. i am much more relaxed with things at this point in time. i'm more ready to accept the awesomeness that i am and that i surround myself with - i was always afraid of it far a lot of reasons. the ceaseless chatter in my head has died down dramatically. it's not gone, but it may never be gone.
i have stopped worrying about living my life around other people - not going to this show because so-and-so is going to be there and it'll be awkward, or not going to this town because this and that happened there and this person/these people are there and i'm going to have to see them. "fuck it", i say - "i'm fine with whatever happened to have happened between us at that time, if you're not, you'll tell me and it'll get resolved and then it'll be done."
all of this is subject to change though once i get back into the "real" world, but i really do like feeling this way, so i hope it stays.
tori, i don't know that we're ever going to be where we were before - that is something that is up to both of us and up to time. to be perfectly honest, where we were before wasn't perfect. it was definitely great, but certainly not the be all and end all in relationships. frankly, i would be more than happy to see our friendship (should you choose to have it) grow into something greater than it was before and i think it can.
ps - you SHOULD run the 1/2 marathon instead of THINKING you're going to run the half marathon. :D think of it this way, if you can live through running 13.3 miles, you can live through most anything AND you get bragging rights.
I realized something.
You may not want us to be us again just because you're back and you might want us to be friends again. I realize, you may not be anything like the person you were a year ago. And that's okay. I realized a lot while you were gone that while I was very upset and hurt and mad at you for the choices that you made, they were your decisions to make. It is my selfishness and loneliness that made it all suck from my side.
You took up a lot of space in my life, and when you were gone, I wasn't sure what to do with that space. Or this one. I don't even know if you want this space anymore. I don't know anything except my stuff. And so why I work on my stuff, I'd like to maybe start to see who you are and what kind of friends we might be again.
Hi, I'm Tori...I think I'm going to run a 1/2 marathon in 3 months on my bad knees, and today is my boyfriend's birthday. He still thinks he's the king.
You took up a lot of space in my life, and when you were gone, I wasn't sure what to do with that space. Or this one. I don't even know if you want this space anymore. I don't know anything except my stuff. And so why I work on my stuff, I'd like to maybe start to see who you are and what kind of friends we might be again.
Hi, I'm Tori...I think I'm going to run a 1/2 marathon in 3 months on my bad knees, and today is my boyfriend's birthday. He still thinks he's the king.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
I'm torn.
I want to give you posting access back here, but I am not sure I am ready for us to be us again, but I am not sure I am ready to talk directly to you either. More than 1/2 of me is still so furious with you, I can barely even think about talking to you. Then there is part of me that wants to send you everything I've written down that I want to say to you so we can get on with this. I hate that I miss you so much and that I'm pretty sure I can't stay mad at you forever, even though sometimes I want to.
Let's start with, I am not sure how much of the pieces you have put together about what happened with me when you were gone, or if you have figured out how much we all know about how long you had planned to leave, who you were, and where you were while you were gone. We know a lot. We can put together pieces nicely. This family that you so quickly discarded is stronger and tighter than you could have ever guessed. It was all of that added in that made me so much more angry over the months you were gone. I wish I didn't know how long you had planned to screw me over.
I will also say, I feel that crazy is not an excuse - we are all fucking crazy. And the more you say crazy rehab and seem to make a joke out of what you did, the less I think you could have any genuine understanding of how fucked up I think what you did to me was. (And I should add, what you did to all the people who don't know that you threw them away and said they didn't care about you.) I'm happy for you that you had some cathartic growth from it, but I don't really feel that I am comfortable with that as enough of a benefit from the damage you caused to let you back in my life.
So I'm just not sure what to do. I'm appreciative you are trying, and I am thankful that you find me someone you may want to re-evaluate. But I'm not exactly sure I can trust you again. You really hurt me, and I'm not sure I'm ready to give you everything that comes with me saying how and how bad.
I'm just going to need some time.
You were my sister, and you broke my heart.
Let's start with, I am not sure how much of the pieces you have put together about what happened with me when you were gone, or if you have figured out how much we all know about how long you had planned to leave, who you were, and where you were while you were gone. We know a lot. We can put together pieces nicely. This family that you so quickly discarded is stronger and tighter than you could have ever guessed. It was all of that added in that made me so much more angry over the months you were gone. I wish I didn't know how long you had planned to screw me over.
I will also say, I feel that crazy is not an excuse - we are all fucking crazy. And the more you say crazy rehab and seem to make a joke out of what you did, the less I think you could have any genuine understanding of how fucked up I think what you did to me was. (And I should add, what you did to all the people who don't know that you threw them away and said they didn't care about you.) I'm happy for you that you had some cathartic growth from it, but I don't really feel that I am comfortable with that as enough of a benefit from the damage you caused to let you back in my life.
So I'm just not sure what to do. I'm appreciative you are trying, and I am thankful that you find me someone you may want to re-evaluate. But I'm not exactly sure I can trust you again. You really hurt me, and I'm not sure I'm ready to give you everything that comes with me saying how and how bad.
I'm just going to need some time.
You were my sister, and you broke my heart.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Quote
http://pitchfork.com/news/38381-echo-chamber-iggy-pop/
"Years ago, some girl wrote in the classifieds saying she was looking for a man 'with the poetic sensitivity of Leonard Cohen and the raw power of Iggy Pop,' so Leonard tried to get me to set up a three-way with her [laughs]. He said, 'Dude, we can give her both!'"
-- Iggy Pop. (via Rolling Stone)
"Years ago, some girl wrote in the classifieds saying she was looking for a man 'with the poetic sensitivity of Leonard Cohen and the raw power of Iggy Pop,' so Leonard tried to get me to set up a three-way with her [laughs]. He said, 'Dude, we can give her both!'"
-- Iggy Pop. (via Rolling Stone)
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
i don't want to work
i have 1.5 more days and i don't want to work. my new system isn't working, the people i have to work for are getting shittier and shittier and making it so that i don't want to do anything for them and i'm getting totally antsy.
GAH!
GAH!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
